Why a Great Marriage Requires Great Sex (And What to Do If You Don’t Want It)

Marriage is not just about rings, vows, or mortgage payments. It’s about intimacy—the kind that makes two people feel seen, desired, and deeply connected. And yes, intimacy includes sex.

But here’s the thing most women don’t talk about: sex in marriage can feel complicated. In fact, for many, it feels easier when things are casual. In the early days of dating, sex can feel exciting—wine, late nights, passion, adventure. But once the relationship gets serious? Once there’s commitment, bills, kids, and a rhythm of “normal life”? Desire can evaporate.

I know, because I lived it.

For years, I could light up in the beginning of a relationship. But once I “had” the guy, my desire switched off like a light. I convinced myself that love, loyalty, and partnership mattered more than sex. And yet, behind the scenes, resentment was growing. My husband felt unwanted, rejected, and alone. And I—while telling myself sex wasn’t important—was ignoring a huge part of what makes a marriage thrive.

It wasn’t until my husband asked for a divorce that I truly saw the truth: sex wasn’t just “a nice to have.” It was a vital expression of connection.

Let’s be real. Men and women are wired differently. For men, sex isn’t simply physical—it’s how they feel bonded, loved, and close to their partner. When that connection is missing, it doesn’t just disappear quietly. It often turns into frustration, rejection, and emotional distance.

For women, the block often comes from something deeper. Sexual shame runs through generations. Messages about “good girls,” experiences that left scars, or a sense that sex is something we endure rather than enjoy. Add in the exhaustion of motherhood, and suddenly intimacy feels like just another chore on the list.

But here’s the illusion: that you can have an extraordinary marriage without sex. You can’t.

Sex is not everything, but without it, a marriage starves.

If the thought of sex with your partner feels icky, heavy, or draining, it’s not the end of the road—it’s an invitation. An invitation to look at what’s really going on.

Start with questions like:

• What do I really believe about sex?
• Do I feel connected to my own sexuality, or have I shut it down?
• Am I carrying shame (from my past or from cultural messaging) that keeps me closed off?

This isn’t about guilt-tripping yourself or “performing” for your partner. It’s about curiosity and healing. It’s about recognizing that desire can be rebuilt, intimacy can be relearned, and connection can deepen again.

I’ve worked with countless women who believed they were “just not sexual.” And time and again, what unfolds is that they weren’t broken—they were blocked. When those blocks dissolve, intimacy stops feeling like a duty and starts feeling like a gift.

Here’s the truth: your husband doesn’t want you only for sex. He wants sex because it makes him feel close to you. And if you can rebuild intimacy not as a performance, but as an authentic connection, you will not only save your marriage, you’ll transform it.

Because when sex thrives, so does the marriage.

Traditionally, people are told: “Time heals all wounds.” But betrayal isn’t something time alone can heal. Healing is active, not passive. It comes from meeting your body’s fear with compassion, learning to regulate your nervous system, and reclaiming your power.

Because here’s the truth: betrayal may have shaken your sense of safety, but it doesn’t have to define your future.